Fear was like strong drip coffee pulsing through me
thoughts on working with fear after time off
I’m writing this after a holiday break that included lots of cozy time with family, much wonderful reading, plenty of eating, and nothing digital - no email, no social media, no writing this newsletter, and no client work.
It's the longest break I have ever given myself. I even worked on my honeymoon!
That is not something to brag about BTW but a sign of how I’ve managed fear in the past - or not.
I woke up yesterday morning, knowing it was time to ease back into work, and a jangle of fear sizzled through me. Thoughts jittered around my brain that didn’t even bother to gather into anything understandable, only a long mutter of “don’t want to, can’t, what if I can’t…”
As I fed Willa and put away the clean dishes, I realized one reason I’ve managed to stay the course in my career as a writer and entrepreneur for so many decades is I taught myself to defy fear.
To not allow fear to suffocate my desires. At least not for long.
As I straightened the sofa pillows (one way I ease into my day when I’m afraid is with a few minutes of puttering ), I wondered why fear was more present after my holiday break. The answer came immediately: my biggest fear is always “Can I keep the whole kitandkaboodle going?” Hence why I worked during my honeymoon.
Sure, being a writer and entrepreneur for 35 years has always meant living with a high degree of uncertainty and sometimes heavy knowledge it’s all up to me. If I don’t write this newsletter, it won’t get written and I will quickly disappear from your mind as someone you like to read. If I don’t read my client’s work, promote the last 6 open spots in my retreats, talk about my book Why Bother? my revenue goes bye-bye.
But this is true for all humans! You may have a dependable job and paycheck but you still have to pull yourself into motion every day against all the fears and worries that life brings. You still have to grapple against fear and all fear’s minions — self-doubt, boredom, inertia, procrastination, worry, comparing yourself to others, why bother — to carry on with your life.
And my friend, that daily run-of-the-mill grappling must be honored! Notice all the ways you defy fear (self-doubt, etc. every day. You are brave! You take on life and deal with so many challenges! Every day!
Because when you acknowledge your fear and how you keep going anyway, you free up the energy and courage for whatever feels too late. You teach yourself in little ways every day that fear can’t stop you.
But if you’re unaware of fear (or self-doubting or procrastinating or whatever) or you beat yourself up for feeling afraid(“Don’t be such a wimp”), that’s when fear can wormhole into your minds, and from there, it’s easy to believe a small safe life is all you’re allowed to have.
When we fail to acknowledge fear and thus our courage, often that’s where desire dies and too late becomes our muttering mantra.
Sure, some days fear restricts your vision, deepens your groove on the couch, sends you for the crunchy snacks, and that’s no fun but also not a big deal. Tomorrow is a new day. You’ve risen from the couch so many times.
Some of the ways I meet my fear are meditation (“This, too” from Tara Brach is my go-to), journaling (I write down everything I’m afraid of until my fear shifts), alternative nostril breathing or deep breaths and long exhales, setting a timer for a short period (I write for 30-minute sprints), and always gentle self-talk (“Yep, I’m afraid right now and that’s okay, it means nothing about me or my future”).
I also ask myself, “What is my fear trying to protect me from?”
The author
shared this recently:
I love this as an antidote to fear because it leads you toward what feels fresh, and out of the story it’s too late. Follow the thread of your curiosity and sneak past fear. Let the new unfold.
As you explore the beauty and richness of 2024, may you know that fear in all its forms is every human’s companion and means absolutely nothing about you or your future. Let fear and your courage be a daily invitation to wake up, stay on your own side, and be a curious champion for your desires.
Love,
Jen
P.S. What’s one way you defy fear in service of what you want? I’d love to hear!
I often have felt what you describe. What has helped me lately is a quote from 12th Century Christian mystic, Julian of Norwich ( a woman), “All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.” It becomes my mantra to remind me of just that, that all shall be well, maybe not immediately, but certainly in due time. It's a new thing for me and I'm hoping that the practice will make it better. Thanks for sharing your story.
There are so many different facets to fear. It can be a guidepost of what to walk away from or an anchor to lean into. Then, as you said Jen, there can be the simple monotony of showing up in go-mode that may not exactly be scary but is enough of a drag to slow us right down when we have to dive in after holidays.
It’s interesting you posted this today as I’m writing my next piece about our resistance any time we try to change something. At the root of resistance is fear which is often a clue in disguise!