Is Self-Trust Your Magic Ingredient for Knowing What's Not Too Late?
if so, what is self-trust?
Hellooooo! A dear friend lost almost everything in the North Carolina floods, another friend is in the midst of a big family grief, a client is deeply impacted by the storm too, and my worry about the election in the U.S. sits like a heavy rock on my chest. I’ve been volunteering in various ways and am about to start doing shifts as a Georgia voter hotline worker. It’s keeping me sane to do as much as I can.
Overall, it’s a very intense and tense time. Which is why I choose…
Me pushing heavy rocks away with my strong legs
…self-trust for our theme this month.
It feels like touching in with how I trust myself to handle what life brings is important right now.
But what is self-trust? Great question. I have ideas which I will share and then I hope you will share yours. Next week Tara Mohr, author of Playing Big, will share hers, and then I write something the week after about what I’ve learned this month.
You could pause and ask yourself, “How do I define self-trust?” Your definition is better than mine because it’s yours.
I think self-trust is asking yourself “What do I know?” or “What does my experience tell me?” before you ask someone else or the internet.
I think it’s about making clear promises to yourself to explore your desires — and keeping those promises as best you can.
I also think self-trust is recognizing many people know how to do things better than you — like how to fly a jumbo jet or weld a 75 foot sculpture — but nobody else on the planet knows how to live your life better than you. (Although some people may, indeed, think they do.)
What helps self-trust grow?
Self-trust grows when you decline to punish yourself for making a mistake or a stumble, and instead, get curious. Why did I make that choice? What did I learn? What might I do differently next time, if anything? When we judge and punish ourselves, it makes it much harder to try again or take on things that feel too late.
Self-trust thrives when you remember you are capable of learning and growing in ways you can’t even imagine. I’ll never win the Nobel Prize for literature but I can and am learning how to write a compelling commercial novel that I will be proud to share.
Self-trust is grounded in making clear honest promises to yourself that you are capable of keeping. “I will write for one hour without interrupting myself” vs. “I will write brilliantly for one hour.” I can write for one hour without checking email but I will never know if I wrote brilliantly (nobody does).
Self-trust gets stronger when you regularly take time to reflect on how your life is feeling and what needs tweaking. We need to spend time with ourselves, feeling our feelings, and knowing what we know or self-trust has no way to show up.
Self-trust needs you to clean up any messes you make. To say you’re sorry. Make amends. Without punishing yourself.
What self-trust is not… (according to me, what do you think?)
…Perfection. Self-trust means you took the time to ask "What do I know right now?” and then you did or didn't do something based on that inquiry. You don’t fail at self-trust because you make a mistake. Self-trust isn’t mystical guidance that means everything works out perfectly, garlanded in dewy roses and a chorus of girl bands.
Self-trust implies the possibility of betrayal and thus the ability to forgive and mend your torn relationship with yourself. We all betray ourselves – from garden-variety betrayals like, “This candy bar won’t make me feel cranky in 20 minutes; this time will be different,” to bigger betrayals like, “This man/business partner/friend is different from the last one, even though my entire body is screaming ‘no.’ I must be wrong, he/she seems so nice.” We all make too complicated or lofty promises to ourselves — we get to renegotiate those!
…a self-improvement goal. Something you have to complete or get good at.
How can Self-Trust Help with What’s Not Too Late?
It feels to me like self-trust is essential if you are going to try things that feel too late. But only if you realize that trusting yourself doesn’t mean you will get what you want or that you won’t feel afraid.
It’s not that doubt and fear go away, but that you can stop being so snagged by them. Self-trust helps you dive past the fear and what if I can’t and tune into what feels truer. What really matters — your experience of growth. Of being fully alive.
I want to trust myself to dream up an elegant ending for my novel. I’m in the home stretch of the first draft and I’ve got a lot of complicated magic stuff I’m trying to simplify. I think I make things complicated because I don’t trust myself. So that’s what I’ll be exploring this month — hopefully.
How could self-trust help you venture forward with a desire or something that feels too late?
Click the purple button and share. I’d love to hear!
And if you have time, cheer someone else on in the comments. It’s so wonderful how women are making friends and connections. It’s so lovely.
And if you’re new here, jump on in. The community is lovely!
I’m so glad we are in this together.
Love,
Jen
As I get older (and older) I find that it's important for me to remember that some people (Jimmy Carter for one) live to be 100. If I begin to think it's too late now, I may not accomplish anything I have wanted to for another 27 years! Right now I'm teaching myself (through online classes) how to oil paint. My usual self tells me it's too late to become good. My self-trust reminds me that the more I paint, the better I'll get.
There are all sorts of risks in life. Some people, like my husband, seek out challenging physical risks. I tend to seek out more intellectual risks. We're all forced into social or emotional risks if we're really alive. At 72, I just signed a book contract that will require me to completely rewrite a book to suit an academic publisher's requirements. It will mean a steep learning curve...the kind of challenge I seldom back away from. It's not too late to take this kind of risk, for me or for anyone.