The Gentle Art of Swedish Death DREAM Cleaning
your grandmother's tea cozies aren't the only clutter you may need to get rid of
Bob and I have been on a Swedish Death Cleaning jag lately which means getting rid of everything we don’t want the kids to have to deal with after we die.
I gave away the cute gray couch I bought for my mom when we moved her into memory care and I decorated her apartment like Martha Stewart on speed because I felt so guilty.
I recycled decades of journals because I don’t ever want to reread them.
I gave my friend Lu that black and white skirt I kept trying to make myself wear, that stiff pair of black cigarette pants that I hated, that cute little wrap sweater with the floaty ends I always ended up dragging through my dinner.
I’m even getting Mom’s good jewelry appraised.
All of this has felt fantastic, if sometimes emotional, and a blessing to our kids, and a great reminder not to buy anything ever again (except for these really cute palazzo pants…)
BUT clutter isn’t all in our kitchen cabinets and basements, is it? It’s also in our minds and our hearts in the form of unrealized or out-of-date plans and dreams.
Plans and dreams that were once intoxicating, life-giving, pulling you forward into action or at least shiny and promising.
Hopes and projects bursting with the promise of who you hoped to become.
Castles, half built in reality, half in speculation and projection of what you thought you wanted, or really did, at the time.
But for a whole bunch of reasons that we all experience (even though our brains love to tell us we are one-of-a-kind losers), these desires don’t call to you anymore. They’ve become something dragging you back or draining you.
There comes a time when we have to Swedish Death Clean these dreams and plans too or we risk not having the mental space, the courage, or the clarity to pay attention to what’s next.
With great gentleness, I ask you: what dreams and desires are you holding onto that it’s time to let go of?
Even if just for a day? A week? Just to try it on and see how it feels?
What projects hold no shine for you anymore, no energy? They feel tarnished, musty, even oppressive? When you speak about them, you use the word should.
Or perhaps it's your sunk costs that keep pulling you back to try again or at least think you should - all the time and money you spent on that idea, that degree, that book, you can’t just let it go.
Or someone else in your life still thinks you should do XX and so even though you would rather do taxes every day for the rest of your life than pursue XX, you can’t fully let it go because they will be disappointed or think less of you. You won’t be living up to your potential.
Or it’s still a good idea, you tell me with a vehement tone and clenched jaw. Or maybe you use the past tense “It was such a good idea.” My friend, I’m sure it was.
Your reasons are so convincing. Mine have been too. But the fact remains: that future no longer floats your boat. It no longer fits who you are today.
I’m not saying you can’t do it. You’re tough. You’ve got grit. You can do it.
My question is are you willing to pay the cost? Not only in time and energy and the possibility of burnout from forcing yourself into action but in what you will miss out on, what you won’t explore or make or learn.
And how much cost are you paying but not saying goodbye, at least for now?
But please do note the word gentle in the title of this article. We can’t pry ourselves rudely and roughly away from out-of-date desires. It can take time and you may need help - a friend, a coach, a therapist, your journal. And time to grieve that life or that opportunity, that vision, you wanted.
Also, for those of you as practical as me, please note that nothing is ever wasted. I spent 4 years writing a memoir and when I realized it had failed (one of the worst coaching moments I think of
‘s career) I used what I learned and some of what I wrote to craft Why Bother? my best and last self-help book.And for those of you saying “But I still want it but I can’t figure out how to get it,” I would say that’s different than what I’m talking about here. More on that in a future newsletter. But for now, I’d say if you want it, you can have some expression of it, some taste, some new incarnation. But that also requires letting of what you thought it would look like.
Sometimes it can help to look less at what you are losing and at more what you are gaining. What new energy, what fresh perspective, what sparkling possibilities might hove into view?
Here’s one thing I know for sure: when we create space, something new will rush in to fill it. Something fresh and meaningful for you now.
(Except for basements! Nothing new is going in my clean basement!)
Thoughts? I love our discussions. I love to learn from you. Thank you!
Love,
Jen
P.S This Thursday, February 15th is my Comfort & Spark writing class with the astonishingly lovely and talented
Sign up here. We have about 700 people registered so if you can’t get in (we only have 100 spots on my Zoom), we will send a recording the next morning. It’s going to be a delight! Thank you!
I have a big one that I'm letting go of: college.
I went to a diploma course to train for my career (although the same amount of schooling gets a degree now) and it served me well. But no degree.
I had many barriers to getting a degree in that long ago time. It's loaded with some really difficult stuff. Very, very difficult stuff.
Everyone else (literally everyone) in my family has a degree. Some of them have them from Cornell and Harvard and Northwestern and Yale. Etc.
I keep trying and not being able to do it.
And I can't time-travel and make that different. And it wasn't in my control at all at the time. And probably wouldn't be even if I time-traveled back. (And seriously. Is that how I would want to spend my time if I figured out how to time travel? No.)
I finally sat down and realized: I don't want the paper, I want the knowledge and the skills. In 2024 there are a million ways to get those.
I'm an autodidact and have been forever.
And now in my 60s, I get to disappoint (!) my family. In fact, it's almost my job! ;)
So thank you for this. It creates room for the art dreams I have. The piece of paper dream can be let go of.
Your encouragement matters!
I can't tell you how timely, relevant, and helpful this article is for me. I truly appreciate your sharing this with the universe :)