Dear Jen, Hurray! I'm so so happy, you wrote this. Because you are good enough! No matter what! And I love love love the picture with the fingers! And if you need some further encouragement or start to doubt again, I can highly recomment an article by Kathryn Chetkovich. I read it 2 weeks ago and it was writers-mind blowing. It is called "Envy" (I read it in a German translation in an anthology about female writers. She frees herself in the end, too, and concludes (my summary): I am not doing the work I was born for (as a female), maybe even not the work I am best at, but I do the work I choose to do... YEAH! So simple and so difficult... SO RIGHT.
By the way, I am reading Rest Is Resistance... the first few pages I was in resistance to it (not possible........) until yesterday my doctor said something about me being too disciplined... Yes. Then I read on, started crying, feeling very exhausted, and very relieved and grateful🤗
Thank you for that Martina, what a great quote "doing the work I was born for (as a female), maybe even not the work I am best at, but I do the work I choose to do..." that''s it! and I'm glad the book is helping you. Rest the way you choose!
So proud of you for listening to your body Martina. Not sure how far along you are...but I gave myself this permission after decades (really since the birth of my first son almost 19 years ago) of just needing to have SPACE to slow down. I mean we did that with Covid...but not the same as it was so stressful. Anywho, for what it is worth, it took be about 3 weeks to really settle into the REST and not be internally freaking out that I wasn't working, producing or have a solid plan in place for moving forward. I still don't have any of that, but 4.5 weeks in now and I am just giving into the unwinding taking place in my body...and woman has it fired up space for my creativity and relaxation to just have space!
Dear Holli, thank you so much. It resonates so deeply with my experinces I had the past weeks. You are two weeks "ahead", I still try not to freak out and not make a plan for the resting. For me it is also about twenty years when I started my phd thesis. I stopped writing poetry and forgot about my dream of being author. And, worse, started to you use self management tools instead of trusting my intuition and my body. And thank you for emphasising SPACE. That seems for me the most difficult part. I'm so happy for you that the rest sets you on a liberating path! May your space and rest and unleashing of energy lead you to your place of wellbeing.
OMG yes...I find myself even still defaulting to being better organized with my time...even though it is mostly to do more reading, researching and writing. So not sure if that counts? It just fires me up and gets me excited...and I can definitely overdo it.....so I give into the just vegging when I can. But have to say it is still a struggle to not feel guilty about just sitting down to watch a fun series or dilly dadle. So still a work in progress I am!
Yes, carpe diem has been turned into a knive which is difficult to get rid of. And enthusiasm and I are very good friends ;) what I try to distinguish is: comes the exitement only from my head (=stress) or can I feel it in my chest and belly as well. And this question helps me with the kind of rest I need, too. Sometimes gamble or podcasts but mostly it is something more nourishing. Just lying down and asking myself how I feel. Watching birds. Reading poetry aloud. .... And yes: being rested is a progress.
I find this is a common theme for women -Being Good Enough- and having to explain to people, including yourself, that you are. Since the beginning of time, it has been the plight for women. In a recent PTSD evaluation [of me], the doctor actually said "your confidence in yourself and your sense of worth are outstanding." And he said it like those qualities within women are rare and PTSD should come with a side of insecurity and self-doubt. I'm here to tell you, it does not!
My risk is challenging and breaking the patriarchal system every chance I get.
OMG YES!....your post gives me another idea to add to my "Where does patriarchy and the patriarchal system stem from: religion or state?"....and what I said above about how the artificial economoy of production sets us all up for this blasted "being good enough" tired, worn out trope...AND PTSD has nothing to do with confidence and self-worth....they are not correlations of the other. PTSD has to do with an experience of ENERGY you had...energy you and your body felt as traumatic. Even people returning from war have massive PTSD...so I don't get his correlation there? Things that make you go hmmm
I don't think the patriarchy stems from religion or state.. although they both are hanging onto it like a grenade with the pin pulled. It is a superiority and dominance issue that was bred, trained, and ingrained. A way to control.
And yes, PTSD has nothing to do with confidence as a person. I witnessed a near death accident and was physically restrained from calling 911. So sure, I have some uncontrollable feelings of anger and fear when I feel threatened with physical violence. Insecurity and doubt? -No. Completely different. The doctor was condescending at best.. Write that in my report! ha!
Omg - I am so incredibly sorry for your experiences. That fires up my blood fa sure. So glad you had the confidence to see that in that doctor.
And as far as patriarchy -- I highly encourage a LITTLE book called the Creation Of Patriarchy by Gerda Lerner. It is really meaty and full of great anthrological (sp?) info. I am not an anthropologist or in any related field, so it took me workign thorugh it a few pagest at a time....but it radically shifted my ideas on how we got into this...and thus perhaps ideas on how to get out. I'm doing a few posts on it over on my substack for those that don't have the time to read it....like a a cliff notes version :-). If intersted.
Way to go, Jen! It’s hard to give ourselves permission to be ‘good enough’ after a lifetime of goals and striving. My risk is to be less driven and more in the moment. It’s hard for me and I need to always be reminding myself. Life is too short to be living always in the future.
yes! A friend and were hanging out yesterday afternoon and I was bemoaning the fact I’ve been somewhat stuck in the novel and how much I want to get done with the first draft, and she said, “But you love the process, what’s the hurry?” !!!!!!
I’m too tired to write a proper response apart from yes! And yes again. I’m exhausted by my illness at the moment and have to give in to the fact that I simply have to rest most afternoons. And it’s hard! I’m writing a novel too, as well as my poetry and I’m never ever good ENOUGH. So enough with the ENOUGH stuff… I wrote a lot in response after all ❤️
I think the only way to stay the course and get through the ‘almosts’ is community. Surrounding yourself with like minded sorts that are like you. They cannot not write. I have a young character who says to my older artist “I think you should not give a f..k” She means go your way even if others question your direction. Carry on. Btw I think you are already there with the novel. We are doing word clouds to focus on the essence of our novels in my group. That focus will help us figure out the endings. It’s already in there,Jen!
I can so relate to this post in so many ways. I’ve never felt good enough at anything. I’ve always been good at many things but not exceptional at just one thing. I’ve felt like an under achiever for many years. I’m that person with so many dreams and always struggling to complete my daily to do list. I’m trying to be accepting of what I have done and keep focusing on what I want to achieve. I need to give myself more love I know.
Jennifer--What a great theme and writing contest, "It's Not Too Late..." Instead of lunch break, I gave in to devote time to look at all of the comments today. Two thoughts: 1) Amazing and 2) Is it too late to jump into that pile of hundreds of comments, like jumping into a pile of leaves you neatly made? Anne Boyd is already legend and writes well. Will you be going any further with your experiment? Oh, last question, how will I know which of my quests or epiphanies you want to share with your readers? I'm like the Rolling Stones in that I'm still creating, still delighting, but I have so many songs and so little time so you have to shout out which one you want to hear. Again.
Good to know. Which of the favorites do you want to hear about? Call out the topic you know your readers would love to hear about and if it happened to me, I'll provide the color commentary.
Jennifer, your analogy of writing as building a house is spot on! It's a beautiful reminder that the creative process is messy, imperfect, and full of revisions. It's about embracing the journey, not just the destination. Your willingness to 'jackhammer out an entire bathroom floor' if needed speaks to your resilience and commitment to your craft. It's inspiring to see someone so dedicated to their creative vision, and it reminds me that it's okay to make mistakes along the way.
Reading this, I was musing on my feeling that a piece I’m working on isn’t quite right = me being not good enough. 🤦🏻♀️ I’d settled on the theme for it: Immersion, but am still wrangling it.
And then I read:
‘I’m ready to risk not being good enough so I can be immersed in creating. And living!’
YES --- Love this all of it and especially -- being in the flow of the moment <3: "Decide what is enough for me — whether that’s my teaching for the day or my writing or a meeting with a client. Or maybe I will simply trust myself to know, moment by moment. That sounds so good!" Yes, as I re-align my soul with a feminine look at the world built by men...I am being reminded that economic productivity was written and presribed to by the role of the "male body"...and their place in the world. This made women's work of creating, nurturing, caring for and RESTING in her body invisible in the economy ...and thus why it is so hard for us to slow down. it doesn't feel like enough...and yet the REAL cycles that drive our planet -- not the artificial economic one created -- reminds us that there are times of driving forward, and times of slowing down -- and even times of doing nothing (winter/death). Sometimes monthly for women, sometimes for years (peri into menopause). To be honest, I feel RATHER allergic these days to goal/intention setting talks and workships! Anywho, this leads me back to your WISE WORDS again "Decide what is enough for me — whether that’s my teaching for the day or my writing or a meeting with a client. Or maybe I will simply trust myself to know, moment by moment. That sounds so good!" I might need to post those on my computer
You are good enough! Your book The pregnant woman’s comfort book -was a life saver for me during a pregnancy and it’s still proudly on my bookshelf after 29 years because it’s a reminder of how someone else’s thoughtful words encouraged and truly brought me comfort during a very difficult time.
I think it can really help to counter the arbitrary demand of our inner critic for something "good enough" by setting clear parameters for what done looks like. A novel roughly x words long that tells the story of x and y using z as a metaphor. Or whatever. Then when you've done that, you've delivered! You may love or hate what you've made but it's done and you can move on, lessons learned and do better next time. When we get stuck in needing to perfect our WIP, we elevate it to critical importance. Such a relief to see it instead as just one in a series of works in which we are improving our skills 😅 Creating is so much more fun without that huge pressure of impossible perfection!
Friendships are so tough. I applaud your movement towards embracing who you are RIGHT NOW -- not after you "improve." I think you're amazing and inspiring. Thank you for being a constant in my life for the past 25 years! You always show up.
And humour 😅 'A lot of self-compassion for the parts of me that still live in the stanky shame basement of creative failures and public embarrassment.'
Reading your post Jenny and all the comments set off a string of thoughts about what is OK but that we/often label as not OK.
It's OK to not be good enough. It's OK to rest. It's OK to do what you want as apposed to what you're good at. It's OK to choose less. It's OK to do less. It's OK to have less stuff. It's OK to let go of trying to control everything. It's OK to wear odd socks. It's OK that not everyone likes me. It's OK that not everyone thinks like me. It's OK if I get things wrong. Etc...
FAC yes!!!!!! Also Sitting in a doctors surgery reading this trying to not to get weepy. But yes. Yes. Yes. Thanks for sharing Jen, I’m with you in the experiment of holding the hand of ‘not good enough’ and giving it a squeeze, and letting her know we’ll find a new role for her 🩷
Thank you so much for savoring Why Bother? That means the world to me. And yes, I totally think you nailed it, this risk has been brewing? becoming? forming? since probably adolescence. I love that you are using this as a writing prompt — genius. This past January I purged most of my journals because randomly opening and reading were all about not being enough and trying to do something to change myself and I was so bored reading all that. Much love!
Dear Jen, Hurray! I'm so so happy, you wrote this. Because you are good enough! No matter what! And I love love love the picture with the fingers! And if you need some further encouragement or start to doubt again, I can highly recomment an article by Kathryn Chetkovich. I read it 2 weeks ago and it was writers-mind blowing. It is called "Envy" (I read it in a German translation in an anthology about female writers. She frees herself in the end, too, and concludes (my summary): I am not doing the work I was born for (as a female), maybe even not the work I am best at, but I do the work I choose to do... YEAH! So simple and so difficult... SO RIGHT.
By the way, I am reading Rest Is Resistance... the first few pages I was in resistance to it (not possible........) until yesterday my doctor said something about me being too disciplined... Yes. Then I read on, started crying, feeling very exhausted, and very relieved and grateful🤗
Thank you for that Martina, what a great quote "doing the work I was born for (as a female), maybe even not the work I am best at, but I do the work I choose to do..." that''s it! and I'm glad the book is helping you. Rest the way you choose!
So proud of you for listening to your body Martina. Not sure how far along you are...but I gave myself this permission after decades (really since the birth of my first son almost 19 years ago) of just needing to have SPACE to slow down. I mean we did that with Covid...but not the same as it was so stressful. Anywho, for what it is worth, it took be about 3 weeks to really settle into the REST and not be internally freaking out that I wasn't working, producing or have a solid plan in place for moving forward. I still don't have any of that, but 4.5 weeks in now and I am just giving into the unwinding taking place in my body...and woman has it fired up space for my creativity and relaxation to just have space!
Dear Holli, thank you so much. It resonates so deeply with my experinces I had the past weeks. You are two weeks "ahead", I still try not to freak out and not make a plan for the resting. For me it is also about twenty years when I started my phd thesis. I stopped writing poetry and forgot about my dream of being author. And, worse, started to you use self management tools instead of trusting my intuition and my body. And thank you for emphasising SPACE. That seems for me the most difficult part. I'm so happy for you that the rest sets you on a liberating path! May your space and rest and unleashing of energy lead you to your place of wellbeing.
OMG yes...I find myself even still defaulting to being better organized with my time...even though it is mostly to do more reading, researching and writing. So not sure if that counts? It just fires me up and gets me excited...and I can definitely overdo it.....so I give into the just vegging when I can. But have to say it is still a struggle to not feel guilty about just sitting down to watch a fun series or dilly dadle. So still a work in progress I am!
Yes, carpe diem has been turned into a knive which is difficult to get rid of. And enthusiasm and I are very good friends ;) what I try to distinguish is: comes the exitement only from my head (=stress) or can I feel it in my chest and belly as well. And this question helps me with the kind of rest I need, too. Sometimes gamble or podcasts but mostly it is something more nourishing. Just lying down and asking myself how I feel. Watching birds. Reading poetry aloud. .... And yes: being rested is a progress.
mmmm...yes. all good reminders. Thanks for being a great mirror for me Martina!
Same here Holli!
I find this is a common theme for women -Being Good Enough- and having to explain to people, including yourself, that you are. Since the beginning of time, it has been the plight for women. In a recent PTSD evaluation [of me], the doctor actually said "your confidence in yourself and your sense of worth are outstanding." And he said it like those qualities within women are rare and PTSD should come with a side of insecurity and self-doubt. I'm here to tell you, it does not!
My risk is challenging and breaking the patriarchal system every chance I get.
yes yes YES!!!!
OMG YES!....your post gives me another idea to add to my "Where does patriarchy and the patriarchal system stem from: religion or state?"....and what I said above about how the artificial economoy of production sets us all up for this blasted "being good enough" tired, worn out trope...AND PTSD has nothing to do with confidence and self-worth....they are not correlations of the other. PTSD has to do with an experience of ENERGY you had...energy you and your body felt as traumatic. Even people returning from war have massive PTSD...so I don't get his correlation there? Things that make you go hmmm
I don't think the patriarchy stems from religion or state.. although they both are hanging onto it like a grenade with the pin pulled. It is a superiority and dominance issue that was bred, trained, and ingrained. A way to control.
And yes, PTSD has nothing to do with confidence as a person. I witnessed a near death accident and was physically restrained from calling 911. So sure, I have some uncontrollable feelings of anger and fear when I feel threatened with physical violence. Insecurity and doubt? -No. Completely different. The doctor was condescending at best.. Write that in my report! ha!
Omg - I am so incredibly sorry for your experiences. That fires up my blood fa sure. So glad you had the confidence to see that in that doctor.
And as far as patriarchy -- I highly encourage a LITTLE book called the Creation Of Patriarchy by Gerda Lerner. It is really meaty and full of great anthrological (sp?) info. I am not an anthropologist or in any related field, so it took me workign thorugh it a few pagest at a time....but it radically shifted my ideas on how we got into this...and thus perhaps ideas on how to get out. I'm doing a few posts on it over on my substack for those that don't have the time to read it....like a a cliff notes version :-). If intersted.
Way to go, Jen! It’s hard to give ourselves permission to be ‘good enough’ after a lifetime of goals and striving. My risk is to be less driven and more in the moment. It’s hard for me and I need to always be reminding myself. Life is too short to be living always in the future.
yes! A friend and were hanging out yesterday afternoon and I was bemoaning the fact I’ve been somewhat stuck in the novel and how much I want to get done with the first draft, and she said, “But you love the process, what’s the hurry?” !!!!!!
I’m too tired to write a proper response apart from yes! And yes again. I’m exhausted by my illness at the moment and have to give in to the fact that I simply have to rest most afternoons. And it’s hard! I’m writing a novel too, as well as my poetry and I’m never ever good ENOUGH. So enough with the ENOUGH stuff… I wrote a lot in response after all ❤️
enough with the enough stuff — i love that! feel better!!!
I think the only way to stay the course and get through the ‘almosts’ is community. Surrounding yourself with like minded sorts that are like you. They cannot not write. I have a young character who says to my older artist “I think you should not give a f..k” She means go your way even if others question your direction. Carry on. Btw I think you are already there with the novel. We are doing word clouds to focus on the essence of our novels in my group. That focus will help us figure out the endings. It’s already in there,Jen!
thanks friend! i appreciate that so much!
I can so relate to this post in so many ways. I’ve never felt good enough at anything. I’ve always been good at many things but not exceptional at just one thing. I’ve felt like an under achiever for many years. I’m that person with so many dreams and always struggling to complete my daily to do list. I’m trying to be accepting of what I have done and keep focusing on what I want to achieve. I need to give myself more love I know.
Here’s to us both enjoying our lives free of this story!
Jennifer--What a great theme and writing contest, "It's Not Too Late..." Instead of lunch break, I gave in to devote time to look at all of the comments today. Two thoughts: 1) Amazing and 2) Is it too late to jump into that pile of hundreds of comments, like jumping into a pile of leaves you neatly made? Anne Boyd is already legend and writes well. Will you be going any further with your experiment? Oh, last question, how will I know which of my quests or epiphanies you want to share with your readers? I'm like the Rolling Stones in that I'm still creating, still delighting, but I have so many songs and so little time so you have to shout out which one you want to hear. Again.
It can never be too late to jump in!
Good to know. Which of the favorites do you want to hear about? Call out the topic you know your readers would love to hear about and if it happened to me, I'll provide the color commentary.
Jennifer, your analogy of writing as building a house is spot on! It's a beautiful reminder that the creative process is messy, imperfect, and full of revisions. It's about embracing the journey, not just the destination. Your willingness to 'jackhammer out an entire bathroom floor' if needed speaks to your resilience and commitment to your craft. It's inspiring to see someone so dedicated to their creative vision, and it reminds me that it's okay to make mistakes along the way.
❤️❤️❤️
Thanks Jen,
Reading this, I was musing on my feeling that a piece I’m working on isn’t quite right = me being not good enough. 🤦🏻♀️ I’d settled on the theme for it: Immersion, but am still wrangling it.
And then I read:
‘I’m ready to risk not being good enough so I can be immersed in creating. And living!’
💫
Hope it helps! I spent a lot of time working with this while writing this morning, just being with it without being at war with it.
YES --- Love this all of it and especially -- being in the flow of the moment <3: "Decide what is enough for me — whether that’s my teaching for the day or my writing or a meeting with a client. Or maybe I will simply trust myself to know, moment by moment. That sounds so good!" Yes, as I re-align my soul with a feminine look at the world built by men...I am being reminded that economic productivity was written and presribed to by the role of the "male body"...and their place in the world. This made women's work of creating, nurturing, caring for and RESTING in her body invisible in the economy ...and thus why it is so hard for us to slow down. it doesn't feel like enough...and yet the REAL cycles that drive our planet -- not the artificial economic one created -- reminds us that there are times of driving forward, and times of slowing down -- and even times of doing nothing (winter/death). Sometimes monthly for women, sometimes for years (peri into menopause). To be honest, I feel RATHER allergic these days to goal/intention setting talks and workships! Anywho, this leads me back to your WISE WORDS again "Decide what is enough for me — whether that’s my teaching for the day or my writing or a meeting with a client. Or maybe I will simply trust myself to know, moment by moment. That sounds so good!" I might need to post those on my computer
You are good enough! Your book The pregnant woman’s comfort book -was a life saver for me during a pregnancy and it’s still proudly on my bookshelf after 29 years because it’s a reminder of how someone else’s thoughtful words encouraged and truly brought me comfort during a very difficult time.
Oh Gloria what a kind thing to tell me! I’m so glad that book was a life saver. Gosh that’s 29 years ago I published that!! I appreciate you!
I think it can really help to counter the arbitrary demand of our inner critic for something "good enough" by setting clear parameters for what done looks like. A novel roughly x words long that tells the story of x and y using z as a metaphor. Or whatever. Then when you've done that, you've delivered! You may love or hate what you've made but it's done and you can move on, lessons learned and do better next time. When we get stuck in needing to perfect our WIP, we elevate it to critical importance. Such a relief to see it instead as just one in a series of works in which we are improving our skills 😅 Creating is so much more fun without that huge pressure of impossible perfection!
Yes! Absolutely!!
Friendships are so tough. I applaud your movement towards embracing who you are RIGHT NOW -- not after you "improve." I think you're amazing and inspiring. Thank you for being a constant in my life for the past 25 years! You always show up.
Friendships are tough — I’m trying to show up, that’s a big part of life, right?!
And humour 😅 'A lot of self-compassion for the parts of me that still live in the stanky shame basement of creative failures and public embarrassment.'
Reading your post Jenny and all the comments set off a string of thoughts about what is OK but that we/often label as not OK.
It's OK to not be good enough. It's OK to rest. It's OK to do what you want as apposed to what you're good at. It's OK to choose less. It's OK to do less. It's OK to have less stuff. It's OK to let go of trying to control everything. It's OK to wear odd socks. It's OK that not everyone likes me. It's OK that not everyone thinks like me. It's OK if I get things wrong. Etc...
Whoops predictive text. Should have checked Jen. 💜
FAC yes!!!!!! Also Sitting in a doctors surgery reading this trying to not to get weepy. But yes. Yes. Yes. Thanks for sharing Jen, I’m with you in the experiment of holding the hand of ‘not good enough’ and giving it a squeeze, and letting her know we’ll find a new role for her 🩷
I hope you're okay!!
Thank you so much for savoring Why Bother? That means the world to me. And yes, I totally think you nailed it, this risk has been brewing? becoming? forming? since probably adolescence. I love that you are using this as a writing prompt — genius. This past January I purged most of my journals because randomly opening and reading were all about not being enough and trying to do something to change myself and I was so bored reading all that. Much love!