I’m always judging what I want. Is it lazy to want to binge watch BBC Pride and Prejudice all day long? While it’s light outside. While there are pages to be written. While there is stuff to be packed for my move. While there are weights I should be lifting to strengthen my bones. While there are multiple foot-high stacks of unread books on my nightstand? What am I allowed to want?
I love this, partly because I can relate—I have a milk frother and top my mug too full, but I love starting my day with a mouthful of foamy milk. Your column raises a tough question for me though because giving into pleasure and allowing it fully can cross over to intoxication and all its negative consequences. I had to give up wine because I always needed at least 2 glasses (half a bottle) to enjoy it, craved 3, sometimes gave into that craving, all of which sabotaged my sleep and pickled my brain.
One thing I have given into for pleasure and let go of the guilt: hiring someone to clean my house twice/month. I had to let go of my mother’s role modeling and feeling of “should.” I still clean thoroughly on the weeks the cleaner doesn’t come, but I do it happily knowing I won’t need to the following week. I love having someone else do the chores I don’t want to do, and that my husband doesn’t care enough to do. But maybe I’m only enjoying it 50% and should have her come weekly?? No, I want to keep some hands-on care of my home, because that feels good too.
For sure the question of pleasure and desire can lead into questions around what’s best for us, cravings that don’t feel good when satisfied, etc. Maybe those require bringing in our future self— asking her what she wants too? ❤️
Love this Jen! It makes me think about learning to orient to pleasure, to have 'hold it' moments (Kimberly Ann Johnson reference) the idea is, we practice staying with the pleasure a little longer. The science says, learning to stay in/with pleasure also makes us better at staying with/in discomfort - widening the river bank of the nervous system's capacity....and also making us better able to be with others in their joy and the tough times. So get that damn tray and enjoy your coffee xx
I think realizations like this are the cornerstone of aging. I find am regularly asking myself thing like, "Why do/think you do that?" The answer is usually either because I always have or, worse, it is because I was in some way trying to stay small, be a good girl. The great news is, once I realize what I'm doing, it's easier to throw it aside and try something new. Older age is kind of great that way.
I LOVED this piece, Jennifer. I think I do that with money. I am so happy when I get paid to write and help other people write, and there’s some part of me that always tries to give everything away for free, and doesn’t allow me to get paid AND make/draw/write what I want. I loved the way you walked us through the little ways you hold yourself back, not just because I related but it inspired me to look at all the places this is showing up for me. Thank you!
I’m glad it was helpful! I worked through that around my work awhile back. It’s important — no crucial esp for women! - to put our needs and wants in the picture!
This feels to me like my struggle to give myself permission to put myself first. Shouldn’t I let someone else have it? (What I want.) Do I have to earn it? Do I deserve it? I’m trying to set aside judgment and doubt and embrace what I want but it requires daily practice and intention. I wish it wasn’t so hard but it does get easier the more I do it. Keep my writing time sacred, take that dance class, because a happier me has more to give back. (There I go having to justify again.) Because it makes me happy and that’s enough.
I love how your mind works...one big takeaway for me was "do something that makes what you want easier". We all need a TRAY sometimes to make carrying the load easier. I'm pondering how I'm going to lighten the load for me and for those I love...
I love this! Excellent food for thought with my coffee, especially examining how my "social conditioning throttles the full savoring of what I’m giving myself". Thank you!
Thank you for sharing this, it is so good, it hurts a little. What I am wrestling with at the very moment, is to differentiate between what I want and is good for me, and when it gets too much. Just before I read your post, I was musing on my Podcast "addiction"... the best things can turn in a bad direction. I suspect it is something about balancing...
It is Martina for me too. I was thinking yesterday that when I give myself what I truly want without hedging, it seems to help with staying away from the things that don’t feed me or doing too much of thing. Not always of course but more often than not. Something I’m trying to pay close attention too. ❤️
"Things that don't feed me" -the analogy is so helpful, you need chocolate and vegetables. I think, I might try to convert everything into a healthy and tasty menue next week 😊 have a very tasty and nourishing day 🤗
Thank you for this. I am witholding the tray for myself... I want to write more, get my voice out but am not really allowing myself to make the space for it. I'm going to think about what my tray might be.
Never too late to write fiction! Our books have simply been, patiently, waiting for us to be ready for them and to be the person who can pen them. It’s a wonderful relationship that we can open to and benefit from. Excited for your fiction writing, Jennifer! And I’m sure your novel is secretly excited too!
Thank you for this post, Jen. I found it way too relatable. I've never realized that even when I am kind to myself, I hold back. Such a good lesson and something to pay attention to.
Oh goodness. This made me sit and straight and take notice. You've described me to a tee - and I need a tray too as I invariably spill my morning coffee taking it upstairs.
I love having been there for that revelation! And this is super timely, because my house is empty for a few more hours...and I have done what I desired already: danced, gardened, journaled, and am now sitting down to noodle on a poem. Here is something big I did yesterday to make room for more of what I want: I TOLD my workplace that I didn't see myself working FT after the end of the next academic year...even though there is a homeless woman who lives in my head and worries about $$ no matter what our financial guy tells us. So...please queue up Pink's "Get This Party Started" (which was also a lovely new discovery from the retreat. How did I MISS Pink...oh, that's right, those were the early childhood years of my beloveds, who are now adults...)
It is going to TAKE me this year to detach my dutiful self! I actually got a mid-year paper planner which starts on July 1 so my brain can understand this timeline...and even said in a Zoom meeting, "I want to serve with joy one more year." Head-spinning! Poconos in September 2025 on the other side!
So glad 🙂 I could offer a tiny assist! Foamy milk is the best 💛
🌟🌟🌟
I’m always judging what I want. Is it lazy to want to binge watch BBC Pride and Prejudice all day long? While it’s light outside. While there are pages to be written. While there is stuff to be packed for my move. While there are weights I should be lifting to strengthen my bones. While there are multiple foot-high stacks of unread books on my nightstand? What am I allowed to want?
Rich question!! What am I allowed to want!!
I love this, partly because I can relate—I have a milk frother and top my mug too full, but I love starting my day with a mouthful of foamy milk. Your column raises a tough question for me though because giving into pleasure and allowing it fully can cross over to intoxication and all its negative consequences. I had to give up wine because I always needed at least 2 glasses (half a bottle) to enjoy it, craved 3, sometimes gave into that craving, all of which sabotaged my sleep and pickled my brain.
One thing I have given into for pleasure and let go of the guilt: hiring someone to clean my house twice/month. I had to let go of my mother’s role modeling and feeling of “should.” I still clean thoroughly on the weeks the cleaner doesn’t come, but I do it happily knowing I won’t need to the following week. I love having someone else do the chores I don’t want to do, and that my husband doesn’t care enough to do. But maybe I’m only enjoying it 50% and should have her come weekly?? No, I want to keep some hands-on care of my home, because that feels good too.
Read this today and thought you might find it helpful! https://rickhanson.com/feel-whole/?vgo_ee=W316UtbGvNupFf%2BDMbE1g%2BfWvf9rzXriwwGsRXgn4ZC5dQ3pBQpRlybs%3A66AHCl3FO865AO9p6D4ezhsuHq%2FDm4af
Thank you so much!
For sure the question of pleasure and desire can lead into questions around what’s best for us, cravings that don’t feel good when satisfied, etc. Maybe those require bringing in our future self— asking her what she wants too? ❤️
Love this Jen! It makes me think about learning to orient to pleasure, to have 'hold it' moments (Kimberly Ann Johnson reference) the idea is, we practice staying with the pleasure a little longer. The science says, learning to stay in/with pleasure also makes us better at staying with/in discomfort - widening the river bank of the nervous system's capacity....and also making us better able to be with others in their joy and the tough times. So get that damn tray and enjoy your coffee xx
Drinking coffee with a tray right now! Love the idea of staying with the pleasure longer. 🫶🏽
I think realizations like this are the cornerstone of aging. I find am regularly asking myself thing like, "Why do/think you do that?" The answer is usually either because I always have or, worse, it is because I was in some way trying to stay small, be a good girl. The great news is, once I realize what I'm doing, it's easier to throw it aside and try something new. Older age is kind of great that way.
Yes! It is when you let yourself be curious. 🥰
I LOVED this piece, Jennifer. I think I do that with money. I am so happy when I get paid to write and help other people write, and there’s some part of me that always tries to give everything away for free, and doesn’t allow me to get paid AND make/draw/write what I want. I loved the way you walked us through the little ways you hold yourself back, not just because I related but it inspired me to look at all the places this is showing up for me. Thank you!
I’m glad it was helpful! I worked through that around my work awhile back. It’s important — no crucial esp for women! - to put our needs and wants in the picture!
This feels to me like my struggle to give myself permission to put myself first. Shouldn’t I let someone else have it? (What I want.) Do I have to earn it? Do I deserve it? I’m trying to set aside judgment and doubt and embrace what I want but it requires daily practice and intention. I wish it wasn’t so hard but it does get easier the more I do it. Keep my writing time sacred, take that dance class, because a happier me has more to give back. (There I go having to justify again.) Because it makes me happy and that’s enough.
Right! The justification we do!!🫣❤️
I love how your mind works...one big takeaway for me was "do something that makes what you want easier". We all need a TRAY sometimes to make carrying the load easier. I'm pondering how I'm going to lighten the load for me and for those I love...
Easier is always a good thing for me to contemplate because lord knows I like to make things harder than they need to be! 🙀❤️
I love this! Excellent food for thought with my coffee, especially examining how my "social conditioning throttles the full savoring of what I’m giving myself". Thank you!
Thanks for reading!!
How beautifully written and what a good advice for more awareness! I miss this too much and I need to give this more place in my daily life…
Thanks for reading Ivan. Here’s
To more awareness!
Thank you for sharing this, it is so good, it hurts a little. What I am wrestling with at the very moment, is to differentiate between what I want and is good for me, and when it gets too much. Just before I read your post, I was musing on my Podcast "addiction"... the best things can turn in a bad direction. I suspect it is something about balancing...
It is Martina for me too. I was thinking yesterday that when I give myself what I truly want without hedging, it seems to help with staying away from the things that don’t feed me or doing too much of thing. Not always of course but more often than not. Something I’m trying to pay close attention too. ❤️
"Things that don't feed me" -the analogy is so helpful, you need chocolate and vegetables. I think, I might try to convert everything into a healthy and tasty menue next week 😊 have a very tasty and nourishing day 🤗
🥰
Thank you for this. I am witholding the tray for myself... I want to write more, get my voice out but am not really allowing myself to make the space for it. I'm going to think about what my tray might be.
Share if you’d like when you discover the answer. 😍
Never too late to write fiction! Our books have simply been, patiently, waiting for us to be ready for them and to be the person who can pen them. It’s a wonderful relationship that we can open to and benefit from. Excited for your fiction writing, Jennifer! And I’m sure your novel is secretly excited too!
Thanks Jodi I hope so!
Thank you for this post, Jen. I found it way too relatable. I've never realized that even when I am kind to myself, I hold back. Such a good lesson and something to pay attention to.
We shall find new ways to be, that’s the great part about being alive. Still growing!
Oh goodness. This made me sit and straight and take notice. You've described me to a tee - and I need a tray too as I invariably spill my morning coffee taking it upstairs.
Foamy milk gals unite!!
Yes! 100%! Even the idea of taking my coffee back to bed is a revelation!
That was a pandemic gift. And now such a sweet time of the day for us.
I love having been there for that revelation! And this is super timely, because my house is empty for a few more hours...and I have done what I desired already: danced, gardened, journaled, and am now sitting down to noodle on a poem. Here is something big I did yesterday to make room for more of what I want: I TOLD my workplace that I didn't see myself working FT after the end of the next academic year...even though there is a homeless woman who lives in my head and worries about $$ no matter what our financial guy tells us. So...please queue up Pink's "Get This Party Started" (which was also a lovely new discovery from the retreat. How did I MISS Pink...oh, that's right, those were the early childhood years of my beloveds, who are now adults...)
you did it! you are giving up FT! I am so happy for you. And we can always be cat ladies together :).
It is going to TAKE me this year to detach my dutiful self! I actually got a mid-year paper planner which starts on July 1 so my brain can understand this timeline...and even said in a Zoom meeting, "I want to serve with joy one more year." Head-spinning! Poconos in September 2025 on the other side!
we will have cake in September!