This 100%. I have at least 8 selves that are stuck in the awkward longing phase, buried by other obligations: "Maybe one of the reasons we say it’s too late or we don’t stick with a desire or we let “an identity wither” as Paula commented on last week’s newsletter is because we can’t bear the wanting, can’t sit with it. We lose our longings underneath fogginess and confusion, excuses and justifications, behind life and all its demands. "
As you know, I'm currently working on novelist/essayist. But I still have professional pastry chef, archaeologist, international antiquities lawyer, and indy bookstore owner lurking.❤️
Honestly I'm kind of ruthless with them. I usually let them go, with the excuse that I'm letting that old self go -- although if I'm honest, there's a whole lot of shame about those old selves and how much of them still remains. I think i would probably be well served by spending some compassionate, honest time with my old writing before tossing it out. Thank you for this.
I can relate to this Hanna. Ruthless letting go and shame about what is still left of that old identity until I recently realised I was blaming my younger selves for where I am now and realised she/they needed my compassion so they/we can start to feel safe. ☺️
I used to do morning pages. Well I did it twice over a twelve week period as described in The Artist's Way. It was like a 'to do' to get done before I moved onto the next thing.
The second time I did it, I started to re-read chunks of it and how boring and self pitying it was. I felt guilty stopping as I was doing it within a group and they were all raving about it.
There are many different ways of journalling. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. And I love a good declutter so I may have cast out some gems at times.
These days I write all my worries, fears, frustrations on loose sheets of paper, read them through, then burn them. Useful notes, ideas and working things out go in note books.
I was howling at the thought of you running after your journal pages as they blew around your neighborhood! This was my fear when disposing of mine. I live in a very small community so I didn't want to get rid of them anywhere someone might know me. I ended up taking them a province, and 300km, away from my home🤣 and disposing of them there. I had a little ceremony, all by myself, while I was doing it. It was very intentional, as was yours until you had to make a mad dash under your neighbors vehicle!
Thank you for this! I definitely felt the sisterhood vibes as I read it. My husband and I are also doing deep tidying and organization this winter...and I have boxes of journals I wonder about even opening. (The daughter who is newly named executor in our updated wills told me she knew she would not be able to resist reading them if I asked her to just destroy them at my death.) It was interesting to read that this is your second pass-through and that you read selectively, rather than comprehensively, to arrive at your takeaway. I tend to think I should be a start-to-finish girl, which makes big tasks seem very daunting. So I might just...dip a little.
Wow, this came at the perfect time. I’ve been reading through an old journal too with lots about wanting to write. My interpretation was, well, after forty years maybe it’s time to let it go. But you’ve reminded me I had the desire, but only in the last few years have I been actively writing so maybe I won’t let it go just yet. Thank you!
It does. I enjoy working on it and make notes daily. I think it’s when I get tied up thinking about the outcome (will anyone like it, publish it, etc.) that I feel discouraged.
Absolutely all of this. I went through a profound health crisis that resulted in almost a decade of recovering myself, including my memory. When I looked back over the little bit of writing I'd done during the darkest years, I was amazed to discover that I had created (and forgotten) outline after outline of the one book I couldn't let go of. Each version was almost identical, but with enough variance that the iterations were useful to review. I've never been a patient person, but apparently I am persistent as all hell ;-)
I have that same first journal, but mine is green. I still have it, more than 55 years later. Now I have notebooks--several of them going at the same time. When I read what I've written years ago, I'm somewhat astounded at the quality of the writing. It's not horrible.
Not all of it is pleasing in terms of content, but as someone who's a freelance writer, it's nice to read past writing that doesn't suck, even if was for my eyes only.
A wonderful piece, thank you Jen. I have thrown away a lot of journals, but I kept those where I found entries about inner growing. This selection encourages me that it will happen (sooner or later). And, like you, I found texts and poetry. The oldest stem from my 16 year old self... I can see glimpses of my lyrical self today. After reading your article I kind of feel like a happy smiling lineage - to myself :)
Yes! This weekend I was visiting friends in Alaska and they pulled out a self-published photography book I had forgot about that I made for their 2008 wedding. I had even made an “about the author” on the dust jacket flap that referenced my “unpublished novel”. I barely cracked the book open before I saw that self-description, with all its hopefulness, and burned with embarrassment. Much like your loose journal pages flapping in the wind! Thanks for the reminder not to let the dream get sucked away in the wanting.
I'm so grateful that those embarrassing first attempts at writing were tossed long ago. I still have two notebooks of interfaith prayers/reflections written as a chaplain during COVID-19. They chronicle messages of hope that I tried to impart during the darkest days of the pandemic to my leadership team. These writings and reflections were a precursor and inspiration for my substack.
In 2013, I was re-reading my journal entries from the previous New Year's to see what kind of resolutions I had made and of course not kept. In 2012, I made a quasi-bucket list rather than resolutions and the first item was: "Become a pilgrim and walk the Camino de Santiago de Compostelo." The shock was why I had written that as I had no recollection of a book or movie or anything related to the Camino that might have inspired this so why did I write that? But then right there at that moment I thought 'well some part of me wants this so this is the year I become a pilgrim.' Which I did. I walked almost 500 miles across Spain from June to the end of July. That journal entry is still a mystery to me yet it took me on one of the great adventures of my life at 63 years of age.
Can't let go of old diaries, songs, attempts at writing a book. Also can't bear to actually LOOK at them...
I have kept a blog for about 15 years and reading back has been illuminating, however, in terms of seeing how far I've come... AND how far I haven't, and am still learning and playing out certain patterns.
I’ve never parted with any of my journals, but I also hate reading them. But I’m using several now to jar my memory for the memoir I’m writing...maybe I’ll use them someday. Ha!
I love that you found this recurring message in your journals. Time to listen...
This 100%. I have at least 8 selves that are stuck in the awkward longing phase, buried by other obligations: "Maybe one of the reasons we say it’s too late or we don’t stick with a desire or we let “an identity wither” as Paula commented on last week’s newsletter is because we can’t bear the wanting, can’t sit with it. We lose our longings underneath fogginess and confusion, excuses and justifications, behind life and all its demands. "
which self will come forward first?
As you know, I'm currently working on novelist/essayist. But I still have professional pastry chef, archaeologist, international antiquities lawyer, and indy bookstore owner lurking.❤️
what i love about fiction is all those selves and interests can get some expression -- and yes the bookstore dream!!!
Me too! That's why I wrote about archaeology first. I needed to scratch the itch.
Honestly I'm kind of ruthless with them. I usually let them go, with the excuse that I'm letting that old self go -- although if I'm honest, there's a whole lot of shame about those old selves and how much of them still remains. I think i would probably be well served by spending some compassionate, honest time with my old writing before tossing it out. Thank you for this.
You're welcome! Compassionate and curious, what wants to be brought forward? Can't wait to hear what you discover.
I can relate to this Hanna. Ruthless letting go and shame about what is still left of that old identity until I recently realised I was blaming my younger selves for where I am now and realised she/they needed my compassion so they/we can start to feel safe. ☺️
I used to do morning pages. Well I did it twice over a twelve week period as described in The Artist's Way. It was like a 'to do' to get done before I moved onto the next thing.
The second time I did it, I started to re-read chunks of it and how boring and self pitying it was. I felt guilty stopping as I was doing it within a group and they were all raving about it.
There are many different ways of journalling. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. And I love a good declutter so I may have cast out some gems at times.
These days I write all my worries, fears, frustrations on loose sheets of paper, read them through, then burn them. Useful notes, ideas and working things out go in note books.
I love love love that approach- make it work for you!!
I was howling at the thought of you running after your journal pages as they blew around your neighborhood! This was my fear when disposing of mine. I live in a very small community so I didn't want to get rid of them anywhere someone might know me. I ended up taking them a province, and 300km, away from my home🤣 and disposing of them there. I had a little ceremony, all by myself, while I was doing it. It was very intentional, as was yours until you had to make a mad dash under your neighbors vehicle!
You’re smarter than me!! ❤️🌟
Naw, I’d say less brave!
😂
Ahh, Jen,
Thank you for this! I definitely felt the sisterhood vibes as I read it. My husband and I are also doing deep tidying and organization this winter...and I have boxes of journals I wonder about even opening. (The daughter who is newly named executor in our updated wills told me she knew she would not be able to resist reading them if I asked her to just destroy them at my death.) It was interesting to read that this is your second pass-through and that you read selectively, rather than comprehensively, to arrive at your takeaway. I tend to think I should be a start-to-finish girl, which makes big tasks seem very daunting. So I might just...dip a little.
Wow, this came at the perfect time. I’ve been reading through an old journal too with lots about wanting to write. My interpretation was, well, after forty years maybe it’s time to let it go. But you’ve reminded me I had the desire, but only in the last few years have I been actively writing so maybe I won’t let it go just yet. Thank you!
Does it still feel fresh? Does it still wake you up in the middle of the night?
It does. I enjoy working on it and make notes daily. I think it’s when I get tied up thinking about the outcome (will anyone like it, publish it, etc.) that I feel discouraged.
Absolutely all of this. I went through a profound health crisis that resulted in almost a decade of recovering myself, including my memory. When I looked back over the little bit of writing I'd done during the darkest years, I was amazed to discover that I had created (and forgotten) outline after outline of the one book I couldn't let go of. Each version was almost identical, but with enough variance that the iterations were useful to review. I've never been a patient person, but apparently I am persistent as all hell ;-)
I’m glad you saw that in yourself and also that you are well! 👊🏼❤️
I have that same first journal, but mine is green. I still have it, more than 55 years later. Now I have notebooks--several of them going at the same time. When I read what I've written years ago, I'm somewhat astounded at the quality of the writing. It's not horrible.
what a great feeling to read your past writing with pleasure.
Not all of it is pleasing in terms of content, but as someone who's a freelance writer, it's nice to read past writing that doesn't suck, even if was for my eyes only.
A wonderful piece, thank you Jen. I have thrown away a lot of journals, but I kept those where I found entries about inner growing. This selection encourages me that it will happen (sooner or later). And, like you, I found texts and poetry. The oldest stem from my 16 year old self... I can see glimpses of my lyrical self today. After reading your article I kind of feel like a happy smiling lineage - to myself :)
love that image!!
Yes! This weekend I was visiting friends in Alaska and they pulled out a self-published photography book I had forgot about that I made for their 2008 wedding. I had even made an “about the author” on the dust jacket flap that referenced my “unpublished novel”. I barely cracked the book open before I saw that self-description, with all its hopefulness, and burned with embarrassment. Much like your loose journal pages flapping in the wind! Thanks for the reminder not to let the dream get sucked away in the wanting.
I see that about page as a message from the future which is now!
I'm so grateful that those embarrassing first attempts at writing were tossed long ago. I still have two notebooks of interfaith prayers/reflections written as a chaplain during COVID-19. They chronicle messages of hope that I tried to impart during the darkest days of the pandemic to my leadership team. These writings and reflections were a precursor and inspiration for my substack.
I'm so glad your notebooks are helping you now as you help others.
In 2013, I was re-reading my journal entries from the previous New Year's to see what kind of resolutions I had made and of course not kept. In 2012, I made a quasi-bucket list rather than resolutions and the first item was: "Become a pilgrim and walk the Camino de Santiago de Compostelo." The shock was why I had written that as I had no recollection of a book or movie or anything related to the Camino that might have inspired this so why did I write that? But then right there at that moment I thought 'well some part of me wants this so this is the year I become a pilgrim.' Which I did. I walked almost 500 miles across Spain from June to the end of July. That journal entry is still a mystery to me yet it took me on one of the great adventures of my life at 63 years of age.
Chills Yvonne! Love how writing can bring out hidden desires and dreams. What will come out next?
Can't let go of old diaries, songs, attempts at writing a book. Also can't bear to actually LOOK at them...
I have kept a blog for about 15 years and reading back has been illuminating, however, in terms of seeing how far I've come... AND how far I haven't, and am still learning and playing out certain patterns.
A “quiverer”! Thanks for that re-humanizing reframe.
You’re so welcome!
I’ve never parted with any of my journals, but I also hate reading them. But I’m using several now to jar my memory for the memoir I’m writing...maybe I’ll use them someday. Ha!
I love that you found this recurring message in your journals. Time to listen...
Definitely listening ❤️❤️❤️
I am still not sure of what to do with my boxes of journals. My writing can be a bit difficult to read. I will give a couple of them a try!
mine too! hope it's useful to you!