Self-Trust is like a Weighted Blanket
also a secret place in your favorite woods against a warm rock and a cup of tea...
Hi new subscribers! Each month we investigate one aspect around it’s not too late. This month’s it’s Self-Trust. The first post is here outlining a few thoughts and our guest interview with best-selling author Tara Mohr is here.
I make art sometimes. I often don’t like what I make. I like this.
I like this thematic approach we’ve been playing with a lot. I hope you do too. It’s helping me navigate these fraught times and accept that the fraught-ness isn’t going away. I need to stop wishing for a different world. Hoping things get better is not a plan.
I also finding reflecting on one theme for a month is aiding the inner work of the transition I’m in. Providing both ballast and guard rails for this in-between time.
The themes work on my psyche because I pay light attention to them for the month. Humans have a superpower— we can direct our attention where we want. Just knowing you are out there thinking about these themes too brings me back to them. Thank you!
Here’s what I learned this month:
Self-trust and rushing don’t mix
When I’m frantically reciting the next thing I need to do or checking my to-do list every 20 minutes, I ain’t got no self-trust. Also when I’m out of my body. Or when I’m numb from reading too much news.
Self-trust needs me to pause. To settle. To be. Even for a breath. But often more.
Self-trust goes poof when I think I need to be someone other than I am
It’s subtle, that voice that yammers just out of hearing telling me I should be funnier, wiser, more compassionate.
Self-trust needs me to accept myself moment by moment. And accept when I can’t accept myself.
Note for writers: Writing this I can focus on doubting whether I have anything useful to say or I can ask, “What do my readers need to hear about self-trust today that I can honestly offer?" versus “What can I write that is brilliant and one of a kind?” When we make it about us, that’s where we lose the self-trust plot so to speak.
Self-trust is predicated on the understanding I contain multitudes
None of us has one consistent self. Spend any time meditating and you will discover how transitory your selves are. So who are you trusting?
Tara wrote in her interview that she likes to ask, “Which parts of myself, or which states of being of myself, are trustworthy guides for me?”
I ask, “Who’s driving the bus right now? Are they a trustworthy driver?” Too often my driver is Mr. Get it All Done Fast as Possible or Ms. Judmental. They are very distracted drivers!
Tara finds it helpful to tap into these aspects of her inner life when she’s tuning in her self-trust:
That deep, totally solid, emotionally uncharged inner knowing that comes from time to time, usually around an important decision or topic.
The sense of inspiration that comes when an idea shows up within me – something that feels like mine to do.
The calm wisdom that emerges if I slow down and ask for clarity or guidance around something.
What part of myself am I trusting? Always a good question to ask.
Self-trust makes taking a risk possible but I can’t wait to trust myself to leap
Gina commented, “Self-trust is, I believe, the missing ingredient that predisposes us not to leap.”
I thought, “Of course! How can we know if we want to try something if we don’t trust ourselves?”
But we mostly learn to trust ourselves and if something is worth doing by doing it — flaw in the human design! Why can’t we figure it all out ahead of time? Why is everything based on lived experience? Yuck. (Only half-kidding.)
I often say to writers at my retreats, “You become the writer who can write the book by writing it.” Not by thinking about writing the book. Again, so unfair. Who can I complain to?
This is true for any risk. The crucial difference is, as Gina pointed out,
“Trust is strengthened through understanding and we so often spend the bulk of our energy trying to understand others and ignoring ourselves and all the little parts that need to be heard.”
Brilliant!
Self-trust needs me to notice what I’m learning as I write my novel, as I meander through this transition, and as I try different things to enliven myself. I can only grow if I try and reflect.
Self-trust makes my life so much more pleasant.
It’s exhausting to doubt myself. It’s basically what I learned last month which just goes to show we don’t change so much as molt. That’s okay, that’s good news. We don’t have to keep searching for new insights, rather we get to keep imprinting on what we know.
Has reading and thinking about self-trust shifted anything for you?
I’d love to hear. I know it can be hard to put these shifts into words so no worries if you don’t want to comment. But if you do, click this purple button.
If you’d like to support my work, please buy a copy of Get Your Bother On, a guided journal on finding desire again. It makes a great gift.
A reviewer wrote,
“I bought this workbook/journal so I could put it to good use, but I hesitated to write in it. I wanted to keep it pristine. But then I read the very first page and that dilemma was immediately resolved. "First things first: reject perfectionism," it starts. "Write something here in your most illegible handwriting. Or smear a little of your lunch on the page." HA! Jen Louden KNOWS how to deal with people like me! So I dribbled a little coffee on the page, got out my pen, and once I got started, all the stuff that's been making me not want to "bother" came pouring out on the pages. Her prompts are short and simple, and her tips get straight to the point. You can pick up the workbook anytime, and open it to any page. It's a lot less "work" than other journals (think: The Artists Way), but equally helpful for getting to the heart of your desires -- and what's keeping you from them. I highly recommend this and anything else that comes from this invaluable creativity coach. She's the one to turn to when you need to get your mojo back. I speak from experience.”
Next week I publish an update on my novel along with what I’m reading and watching. You can sign up for that newsletter here if you don’t already get it.
Thanks for reading!
Jen
I have that thought probably once a day — but that’s not who you are Jen. Also yes of course we’ve made a ton of mistakes and that’s not a reason to never trust ourselves again. Thank you!
I love this line: “You become the writer who can write the book by writing it.” Not by thinking about writing the book.” It’s true about anything! You become the cook who can prepare a tasty meal for people you love by cooking! We become good, insightful readers by careful reading. We become beloved friends by friending (doing all the things: listening, laughing, crying, sharing).
Your statement is so wise and true. I fear the splats, the dumb writing, the ruined lamb chops, the failure to understand the novel, or connect with the friend, and so I sometimes hold back.
In a kind of meta moment, doing-the- thing — writing, dancing, cooking, whatever it is, is also what we have to insist for our characters, they must risk themselves so they can come alive on the page! Huh… who knew we had to insist upon risk/trust from ourselves so we spring to life in our lives!
Thanks, Jen!!